Wom, a game much like cricket but played with Wom and Wombat is a burgeoning sport in some circles. It requires very little skill or understanding the game of cricket and involves beer and or cocktails.
Sadly it will involve a little effort and danger but happily some of the effort involves the fine art of ‘Fingering’. For full instruction on the finer points of ‘fingering’ please see ‘ Fingering – From Albacore to Zebra, you can do ‘em all!’ Available in hardback form Philistine Publishing at a value price of £3-99. Penned by that fingering philanthropist’ Il du Everyting’, Polynesian Zen master of all things fingering wise.
Once you have mastered the finer points of fingering you will be fully prepared to prepare your wombat. Wombats, contrary to the nonsense published in most zoological publications are not just grumpy, burrowing, powerhouses with attitude from New Zealand that poo* cubes but they are in fact ideal for playing Wom.
A little known fact that the wombat despite being very difficult to handle without specialist equipment* is especially susceptible to fingering and can in fact be ‘fingered rigid’ Once rigid it’s stubby tail and broad shouldered body lend themselves to the wombats secret purpose for being. Being the bat in a game of Wom. Once prepared your wombat will remain rigid for at least four hours and I’ve never known a game to go beyond two and a bit. In fact if you have the right person mixing the cocktails it’s all done and dusted in two. It winds up being a last team standing sort of deal.
Obviously you are also going to need a Wom, it is after all the point of the game to strike the hurled Wom as hard as you can with your wombat.
Procuring a Wom is perhaps almost as dangerous as preparing a bat and should only be carried out by professionals.
A Wom is made up from the following components, all of which are rare as hen’s teeth or bloody dangerous to procure.
First you will need the left hand sack from a male kangaroos scrotum, it has to be the left hand sack, as these tend to hang lower and leave enough of a flap for sewing. One of the more obscure rules of the game dictates the kangaroo must survive the procurement so it’s a hands on job.
A kangaroo is a marsupial from the family Macropodidae (macropods, meaning 'large foot'). Being from ‘Australia’, a ‘ Bloke’ and defiantly Liking the ‘ Sheila’s’ Male kangaroos unlike most marsupials cannot be fingered into submission. In fact inserting any part of your anatomy into a male kangaroo’s chocolate starfish will result in severe injury or death or both. The best way to render your chosen kangaroo senseless is with a tranquilliser dart but ‘Real Blokes’ club them with a cricket bat.
The second and perhaps the most rare part to a Wom is the filling, A short spined echidna covered in cotton wool balls. The echidna from Australia and the cotton wool from ‘Boots’. Echidnas and the platypus are the only egg-laying mammals, known as monotremes. The female lays a single soft-shelled, leathery egg. They roll into a spiny ball when threatened.
You can sew them in alive but it might be best to find one that has expired from heat stroke avoiding ‘Blokes’ chasing kangaroos.
The game itself is simple, you need two teams of even number and booze . The playing field need only be about 50 yards square, or oval or even round if you prefer. Set out much like a game of cricket but without all the poncey safety gear most ‘Blokes’ avoid being seen in. There are no runs as such it’s scored on a single, half and pint formula. A single being just that a single. Once the Wom is hurled and struck with your wombat any Wom that falls within the boundry results in a single run scored and a single downed. A Wom that is struck and rolled to the perimeter is counted as a half, effectively scoring a run and having a half to down. Any Wom that crosses the perimiter is two runs scored and a pint down.
If the Wom stikes a wicket the Batter is out and has to leave the field of play and continue drinking an equivalent to every run his team score.
This is where tactics and hollow legs are often an advantage as it’s the team with the most players left standing that wins the game. Catches are a rare as you have to be either mad or very drunk to want to catch a kangaroo scrotum stuffed with a dead spiny marsupial, cotton wool or no cotton wool. A high run rate is not always the best strategy in a game of Wom. There are often cases of total team collapse and occasional bouts of hysterics but all in all it’s a pleasant way to pass an afternoon should all of the shite on telly not appeal.
Give it a go, start a Wom team and see if you can win the league.
See you at a game sometime, somewhere soon. .
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