Bloody Bike Shows

Do any of you have a love hate relationship with anything? I fucking do! It’s judging bike shows. No matter how you approach it you always have someone having a little dig after the fact. I sort of take exception to the fact that because my fellow judges and I passed a bike by or thought it wasn’t as good as something else people think it’s ok to badmouth folk. I cop for grief all bloody year from some folk, it’s always the same bloody gripes too I wouldn’t mind so much if they came up with a new one now and then.

Let me explain how I approach judging a bike show, it may give you an insight to just how bloody hard it can be. Then decide if you are man or woman enough to step up and judge it honestly on the criteria you set yourself.

Those criteria should be the only ones you use, once you start letting organisers tell you how to judge you may as well just ask them for a list of winners and look like you give a shit at the trophy ceremony. 

I use the following formula, I use it not because I’m any great shake as an engineer or bike builder. I’ve helped build a few and done two of my own with a fair bit of help and advice but that by no means should lead anyone to believe I’m any great authority on the subject and that’s why I have a formula that I stick to. I've learnt from experience that using the same method every time is the best way to do this sort of thing and folk get used to how you will judge their event.

I always watch the bikes and trikes arrive if I can, for me it’s not just about how a bike looks, I want to see, hear and watch the bike or trike rolling in. I like to see just how useable they are at low speed and what they look and sound like.

As far as I’m concerned you should experience the whole package before you make a decision on a category.

I don’t like shows where bikes are trailored in, I just won’t judge those machines, they get walked past every time so. If it needs to arrive on a trailer it must be broken or un-ridable.

I won’t judge at shows where bikes are roped off, I like a bloody good look at a bike and if it’s roped off my suspicious mind screams ‘ ropey’ at me. Again, a show I’d rather not bother with ta.

I don’t consider cost, whether it’s a bolt up build, something clever done in some shed in a back yard or a professionally built bike or trike. I’m not arsed if it cost a grand or ten, what matters for me is if the thing makes sense in the category it’s entered in. By the time the judging actually starts I’ll have already made a short list of bikes and trikes I like. I then wait and see what the other judges think and see if I like any of their choices enough to be swayed. I find a team of three is best, you are never stuck for a final decision. I’ll judge with a team of two but only with someone I know has the same sort of criteria I have to avoid long pointless arguments while beer could be being drunk.

Another thing to remember is impartiality, if your mate has a bike in a show and it’s the best one there give the bugger a prize. But if it isn’t, do the right thing and walk on by, you’d only be bullshitting yourself and doing some poor sod a disservice. Hopefully your friendship will be strong enough for him or her to get over it pretty quickly, if it isn’t perhaps you need new friends.

My final consideration is whether I’d like to open my garage and find it waiting to play out. If I think I’d be able to live with it on a daily basis it’s going to get my vote. Balls to the clever engineering, ten coats of paint, trick exhaust or 20K price tag on occasion, if it floats your boat that’s just the way it is.

The other thing everyone seems to forget that as bikers we are all individuals and prone to thinking and saying what we think. We don’t always agree, that’s just how shit works so get over it. It’s the fact that some folk don’t get it that gives rise to the hate side of the whole thing.

The upside I suppose is the fact that in time some folk learn to trust your integrity and judgement and do you the honour of asking you to judge their show. The prize giving’s also give me pleasure, it’s gratifying to see the appreciation of a good effort rewarded with a trophy. Some folk are lucky enough to win loads of the things but for some folk that one trophy will be the pinnacle of their bike show lives. Those are the ones that are special and a great pleasure to hand over. That’s the love side of the equation.

There you have it, my take on judging bike shows. I just needed to get this one off my chest so there! Like I said earlier, I’m no bloody authority on bike and trike building and some bike or trike builders may even think I’m a cheeky cunt but I don’t really give a toss. I do what I think is right, I might not always be right but at least I give it a fair shake of the stick every time I am asked to judge a bike and trike show. I'm only asked four or five times a year so at least the stress is not too bad.

All I ask of anyone who doesn’t like the decisions made at shows is for you to put yourself in the shoes/ boots of the judges and ask yourself one question. Am I playing it straight? If you can do that I suppose it doesn’t really matter what other folk think or say.  I am however one for the old ‘put up or shut up’ way of thinking so unless you’re prepared to step up and do it at least once yourself give the judges at bike shows a bloody break.

That’s it, rant over, my wine glass is empty and it’s time for a rollup. See some of you at a rally or show sometime .

Peace be upon you all innit!